strange...

a LOT of shit has happened since my last post. but i'm still not ready 2 talk about any of that...

this morning i signed on2 yahoo & was smacked in the face by the most horrid images of the united states i have ever seen, i think. violence running rampant through the remains of natural destruction. it scares the shit out of me this close 2 home. Alan keeps saying we're gonna become a third world country & it could happen, i can see it now, clearly, in those pictures of the aftermath of hurricaine katrina.

the strange thing is a few days ago, maybe a week... i awoke & bolted upright. i don't know how much the image burned in2 my brain had anything 2 do with what i was dreaming, cuz i couldnt remember anything else, it was just like someone snapped a poloroid & it developed instantly in my mind, standing on a streetcorner surrounded by lush greenery, brilliant flowers seemingly glowing through the dark night & someone behond me shouted, "Anne Rice is dead!"

it was seriously fucked up & now this. God, i hope she's not dead. after seeing that stuff on yahoo i went directly 2 annerice.com 2 see if they had any info... & nothing.

anyway, i'm sick with a severe chest cold & in a fever haze & my cousin is moving her stuff in & my dad is wandering aimlessly around the house & i'm due 4 another antibiotic & shot of robotussin so i'll just leave in silent prayer 4 all the victims of this horribly tragedy.

!@#$%^&*()

fuck it's been a rough week. my poor little angel baby has something called rosiola (or something like that)... it freaked us all out pretty bad. it's a rash-like thing caused by a virus. i thought she had the chicken pox at first which would be really bad, not only 4 her but cuz alan's never had it & it can kill adults. anyway, the doctor says it's harmless & there's nothing we can do but let it run it's course. she's getting better already, i got her 2 eat this morning & the joy i felt when she did was immense. i have 2 say, though, even when she's sick the most wonderful thing i've ever felt is her little body going limp in my arms & just surrendering 2 my cuddling & comfort, laying her head on me & falling asleep.

my head has been fucking with me bad. yesterday, all day i was such a bitch - i didn't mean 2 be but all my energy was being exhausted by the baby & meanwhile all i wanted 2 do was bawl my eyes out. why?! i have no clue. it's worse now that i have violette... worse 4 me when my head acts up cuz i know that there is a possibility i could have passed this disease on 2 her. it's a knowledge that makes me wanna slice my flesh & let the blood drain from hundreds of lacerations all over my body. somehow in my twisted logic i feel that if i bleed 4 her, feel as much pain as i can she will be ok. of course i know this is just goofy...

imma ruin everything here & shout this out 2 the world:

dumbledore is dead.
snape, the half-blood prince, killed him.

many apologies ;oP

"J.K. Rowling's Latest Book Beats Previous 'Potter' Records
Hollywood.com Tue, 19 Jul 2005 12:10 PM PDTAuthor J.K. Rowling's latest Harry Potter book has beaten the record of her last five boy wizard releases--by selling a staggering 6.9 million copies in America in just 24 hours. "

it's nice 2 know that america is bathing in words ;o)

ps...

must email Todd
must email Todd
must email Todd
must email Todd
must email Todd
must email Todd
must email Todd

i am so fucking horrible at keeping in touch ;oP

i wish it would rain

4 days & days & days.

i Love it when it rains.

got really drunk the other night & found Fire Walk With Me on showtime (thank u cable guy 4 leaving us the digital box!!! u rock) this is "all she wrote":

Dear God,

even though i'd rather be Laura right now (at least no one could betray her), i realize after gazing over at all my Anne Rice books - i will be able 2 get through ANYTHING!

7-7-05

11:43pm

i really think it's all in my head though.

the power of listening to what u don't want me 2 know...

"THE SEXIEST THING IS TRUST"








so, what do i do now?

the joys of being a homeowner...

ok, so we can't shower, bathe, or flush the toilet & the basement floor was partially blanketed with piss, shit, used toilet paper, & other misc. waste 4 the majority of the past day, but other than that things couldnt be going better.

it's 8:29pm. my baby girl is s(l)eeping. my dad & Love r bonding through sewage. & imma go plant some flowers.

"UH-OH"

(again)
.... tinky winky is a boy, right?
why is he carrying a purse?!?!?!?

it's really kinda disgusting...

how absolutely wonderful it is 2 have Violette & Alan in my life.
i don't think i ever believed i'd have this much.
or be this blessed.

in fact i know i was pretty fucking sure that if & when i ever had a family i would be settling.

i dunno if the astonishment will ever fade away.

but still there's that part of me...

i feel kinda seperate from my head now, though, so i dont even want 2 bring it up.
fear is best left ignored.
especially in this bipolar hell i know that my head is in.

better 2 just thank God constantly, cherish the Laughter (& the tears), & nurture the Love.

*yawn*

i dunno if there's something wrong with me or what but in the past week i've fallen asleep without a sleep-aid like 5 times. i'm just so fucking exhausted. i'm about ready 2 take that life-insurance loan & pay 2 have someone pack up this place & clean it 4 me. i just simply cannot stay awake. it's like when i was in high school & couldnt get out of bed from self-inflicted malnutirtiton.

ugghh. i've got about 14 days 2 get all this shit done... i'm wondering if maybe just the thought of it is what's exhausting me. that atop the fact i've gotta do it all myself. an enormous sense of dread falls over me when i think about it. but i really don't have a choice here, i HAVE 2 do it. it doesn't help that violette is teething & has bouts of inconsolability throughout the day because of it.

alan seems 2 be getting mad at me cuz i've been sleeping so much. this bothers me. WHENEVER he wants 2 sleep i let him, 4 as long as he wants & i don't bother him. sometimes i feel like he thinks i don't have a right 2 be tired. true, i do not leave the house 2 go 2 a job surrounded by idiots 4 8-12 hours a day but i do take care of a child 4 like, ummnn... TWENTY FOUR hours a day - okee, so she sleeps on average 12-14 hours a day, but during those hours i have 2 sleep so i can take take care of her the next day, keep this house livable, cook, shop 4 everything & anything we need (except stuff 4 the fish), and i've pretty much singlehandedly done all the work 2 get the house (realtor, mortgage, etc., etc., etc.). i'd have 2 say both of us have every right in the world 2 be stressed & exhausted.

well, my dad's here now, i need 2 get myself & the baby ready so i can go shopping, get her food & diapers.

more blogging soon, i hope.

happy happy joy joy

well, we close on the house in....
20days!!!!!!!!!

still havent packed a damn thing. got over the cold & then the pollen count skyrocketed or something & was miserable with a runny nose, coughing & sneezing from allergies yesterday morning. went 2 wal-mart & got the only allergy medicine they had that said it was non-drowsy: claritin. well, it did stop the allergy symptoms but made me lightheaded, dizzy, & just generally weak as hell (though not tired!) so i was good 4 nothing yesterday. i felt so crappy i was afraid 2 carry the baby. i seriously thought i was gonna collapse or something. it was horrible. anyway, i threw the box of medication out. i'd rather suffer the symptoms of seasonal allergies than feel like that. have also been really nauseous the last few days. feels bad like morning sickness, the smallest thing can turn my stomach but i know i'm not pregnant. i dunno what the fuck is wrong with me. stress?!?!? i just pray it's nothing bad. it's not like i can go 2 the doctor. well, i guess i could but we really need the money 4 other things, such as a moving van & misc. stuff 4 the new house much more, so unless this continues 4 another week or two i'm NOT going 2 the doctor. of course, even if i did have insurance i'd have 2 be sure there was something really wrong with me b4 i went.

wow. what a bunch of pointless words, huh? it's just hard 2 concentrate when the baby is awake.

have begun the dog-hunt. have registered with the humane society so i'll get emails each time they get a new dog in. currently they only have small, medium, & large dogs & i want an XL dog. i'm not sure they will let us adopt an XL dog, though. most of the large ones they have say they'd do best in a home with children over the age of 8, just cuz they r big & could knock a kid over. but really, do they think someone would let a dog that big play with a small child unsupervised until they r absolutely sure the dog is gentle enough not 2 knock a kid over? my next option is going through a breeder. there is a st. bernard breeder in michigan. prolly a few hours away, but i'd really rather adopt one from the humane society, just cuz i'd be saving it's life & cuz getting a purebred from a breeder is gonna be very costly not 2 mention harder 2 acquire as i'd either have 2 drive 2 the breeder or have the dog shipped, which is even more expensive. but i am so dead set on a gigantic beast i may go that route anyway. gonna try & find some great pyranees breeders somewhere around this genearal area of the country 2day. i'd really like a price estimate & that IS my 1st choice of dog... well, next 2 a samoyd, but they r not so great with kids & a bitch 2 groom - i dont have an hour a day 2 brush a dog. i'll just get a picture of one & hang it up so i can admire it's beauty ;oP

ahhhhhhh....
finally....
A DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cannot express how incredibly happy it makes me 2 know i can finally have one 4ever & always.

"UH-OH"

violette has become enchnted with tele-tubbies.

murphys law

when u most need u're stregnth, energy, clearheaded-ness, & health is when a bad cold will creep up on u.

i'm having horrid sinus problems, my throat hurts, my ears r plugged & i felt like i was high even b4 i smoked anything.
don't mind much, though, as long as violette doesn't catch it. that's my main concern. obsticle #2 would be packing up the whole damn house & clening it better than i ever have.

the second thing should take about 2 weeks. the first: a lifetime.
;oP

i am soooooooooo fucking excited though. i've got hgtv on everytime the baby looks away - i'm idea hunting ;oD

now i'm off 2 find my roll of snot paper so i can try 2 unclog my nose (i predict it will be unsuccessful) 4 the 700th time since last night.