ShadowedChild

strange...

2005-09-01T12:19:00.000-05:00

a LOT of shit has happened since my last post. but i'm still not ready 2 talk about any of that...

this morning i signed on2 yahoo & was smacked in the face by the most horrid images of the united states i have ever seen, i think. violence running rampant through the remains of natural destruction. it scares the shit out of me this close 2 home. Alan keeps saying we're gonna become a third world country & it could happen, i can see it now, clearly, in those pictures of the aftermath of hurricaine katrina.

the strange thing is a few days ago, maybe a week... i awoke & bolted upright. i don't know how much the image burned in2 my brain had anything 2 do with what i was dreaming, cuz i couldnt remember anything else, it was just like someone snapped a poloroid & it developed instantly in my mind, standing on a streetcorner surrounded by lush greenery, brilliant flowers seemingly glowing through the dark night & someone behond me shouted, "Anne Rice is dead!"

it was seriously fucked up & now this. God, i hope she's not dead. after seeing that stuff on yahoo i went directly 2 annerice.com 2 see if they had any info... & nothing.

anyway, i'm sick with a severe chest cold & in a fever haze & my cousin is moving her stuff in & my dad is wandering aimlessly around the house & i'm due 4 another antibiotic & shot of robotussin so i'll just leave in silent prayer 4 all the victims of this horribly tragedy.

!@#$%^&*()

2005-07-31T11:58:00.000-05:00

fuck it's been a rough week. my poor little angel baby has something called rosiola (or something like that)... it freaked us all out pretty bad. it's a rash-like thing caused by a virus. i thought she had the chicken pox at first which would be really bad, not only 4 her but cuz alan's never had it & it can kill adults. anyway, the doctor says it's harmless & there's nothing we can do but let it run it's course. she's getting better already, i got her 2 eat this morning & the joy i felt when she did was immense. i have 2 say, though, even when she's sick the most wonderful thing i've ever felt is her little body going limp in my arms & just surrendering 2 my cuddling & comfort, laying her head on me & falling asleep.

my head has been fucking with me bad. yesterday, all day i was such a bitch - i didn't mean 2 be but all my energy was being exhausted by the baby & meanwhile all i wanted 2 do was bawl my eyes out. why?! i have no clue. it's worse now that i have violette... worse 4 me when my head acts up cuz i know that there is a possibility i could have passed this disease on 2 her. it's a knowledge that makes me wanna slice my flesh & let the blood drain from hundreds of lacerations all over my body. somehow in my twisted logic i feel that if i bleed 4 her, feel as much pain as i can she will be ok. of course i know this is just goofy...

imma ruin everything here & shout this out 2 the world:

dumbledore is dead.
snape, the half-blood prince, killed him.

many apologies ;oP

2005-07-20T09:23:00.000-05:00

"J.K. Rowling's Latest Book Beats Previous 'Potter' Records
Hollywood.com Tue, 19 Jul 2005 12:10 PM PDTAuthor J.K. Rowling's latest Harry Potter book has beaten the record of her last five boy wizard releases--by selling a staggering 6.9 million copies in America in just 24 hours. "

it's nice 2 know that america is bathing in words ;o)

ps...

2005-07-09T07:39:00.000-05:00

must email Todd
must email Todd
must email Todd
must email Todd
must email Todd
must email Todd
must email Todd

i am so fucking horrible at keeping in touch ;oP

i wish it would rain

2005-07-09T07:33:00.000-05:00

4 days & days & days.

i Love it when it rains.

got really drunk the other night & found Fire Walk With Me on showtime (thank u cable guy 4 leaving us the digital box!!! u rock) this is "all she wrote":

Dear God,

even though i'd rather be Laura right now (at least no one could betray her), i realize after gazing over at all my Anne Rice books - i will be able 2 get through ANYTHING!

7-7-05

11:43pm

i really think it's all in my head though.

the power of listening to what u don't want me 2 know...

2005-07-07T23:37:00.000-05:00

"THE SEXIEST THING IS TRUST"

so, what do i do now?

the joys of being a homeowner...

2005-07-02T19:26:00.000-05:00

ok, so we can't shower, bathe, or flush the toilet & the basement floor was partially blanketed with piss, shit, used toilet paper, & other misc. waste 4 the majority of the past day, but other than that things couldnt be going better.

it's 8:29pm. my baby girl is s(l)eeping. my dad & Love r bonding through sewage. & imma go plant some flowers.

2005-05-25T08:37:00.000-05:00

"UH-OH"

(again)
.... tinky winky is a boy, right?
why is he carrying a purse?!?!?!?

it's really kinda disgusting...

2005-05-18T08:36:00.000-05:00

how absolutely wonderful it is 2 have Violette & Alan in my life.
i don't think i ever believed i'd have this much.
or be this blessed.

in fact i know i was pretty fucking sure that if & when i ever had a family i would be settling.

i dunno if the astonishment will ever fade away.

but still there's that part of me...

i feel kinda seperate from my head now, though, so i dont even want 2 bring it up.
fear is best left ignored.
especially in this bipolar hell i know that my head is in.

better 2 just thank God constantly, cherish the Laughter (& the tears), & nurture the Love.

yawn

2005-05-17T10:00:00.000-05:00

i dunno if there's something wrong with me or what but in the past week i've fallen asleep without a sleep-aid like 5 times. i'm just so fucking exhausted. i'm about ready 2 take that life-insurance loan & pay 2 have someone pack up this place & clean it 4 me. i just simply cannot stay awake. it's like when i was in high school & couldnt get out of bed from self-inflicted malnutirtiton.

ugghh. i've got about 14 days 2 get all this shit done... i'm wondering if maybe just the thought of it is what's exhausting me. that atop the fact i've gotta do it all myself. an enormous sense of dread falls over me when i think about it. but i really don't have a choice here, i HAVE 2 do it. it doesn't help that violette is teething & has bouts of inconsolability throughout the day because of it.

alan seems 2 be getting mad at me cuz i've been sleeping so much. this bothers me. WHENEVER he wants 2 sleep i let him, 4 as long as he wants & i don't bother him. sometimes i feel like he thinks i don't have a right 2 be tired. true, i do not leave the house 2 go 2 a job surrounded by idiots 4 8-12 hours a day but i do take care of a child 4 like, ummnn... TWENTY FOUR hours a day - okee, so she sleeps on average 12-14 hours a day, but during those hours i have 2 sleep so i can take take care of her the next day, keep this house livable, cook, shop 4 everything & anything we need (except stuff 4 the fish), and i've pretty much singlehandedly done all the work 2 get the house (realtor, mortgage, etc., etc., etc.). i'd have 2 say both of us have every right in the world 2 be stressed & exhausted.

well, my dad's here now, i need 2 get myself & the baby ready so i can go shopping, get her food & diapers.

more blogging soon, i hope.

happy happy joy joy

2005-05-10T08:27:00.000-05:00

well, we close on the house in....
20days!!!!!!!!!

still havent packed a damn thing. got over the cold & then the pollen count skyrocketed or something & was miserable with a runny nose, coughing & sneezing from allergies yesterday morning. went 2 wal-mart & got the only allergy medicine they had that said it was non-drowsy: claritin. well, it did stop the allergy symptoms but made me lightheaded, dizzy, & just generally weak as hell (though not tired!) so i was good 4 nothing yesterday. i felt so crappy i was afraid 2 carry the baby. i seriously thought i was gonna collapse or something. it was horrible. anyway, i threw the box of medication out. i'd rather suffer the symptoms of seasonal allergies than feel like that. have also been really nauseous the last few days. feels bad like morning sickness, the smallest thing can turn my stomach but i know i'm not pregnant. i dunno what the fuck is wrong with me. stress?!?!? i just pray it's nothing bad. it's not like i can go 2 the doctor. well, i guess i could but we really need the money 4 other things, such as a moving van & misc. stuff 4 the new house much more, so unless this continues 4 another week or two i'm NOT going 2 the doctor. of course, even if i did have insurance i'd have 2 be sure there was something really wrong with me b4 i went.

wow. what a bunch of pointless words, huh? it's just hard 2 concentrate when the baby is awake.

have begun the dog-hunt. have registered with the humane society so i'll get emails each time they get a new dog in. currently they only have small, medium, & large dogs & i want an XL dog. i'm not sure they will let us adopt an XL dog, though. most of the large ones they have say they'd do best in a home with children over the age of 8, just cuz they r big & could knock a kid over. but really, do they think someone would let a dog that big play with a small child unsupervised until they r absolutely sure the dog is gentle enough not 2 knock a kid over? my next option is going through a breeder. there is a st. bernard breeder in michigan. prolly a few hours away, but i'd really rather adopt one from the humane society, just cuz i'd be saving it's life & cuz getting a purebred from a breeder is gonna be very costly not 2 mention harder 2 acquire as i'd either have 2 drive 2 the breeder or have the dog shipped, which is even more expensive. but i am so dead set on a gigantic beast i may go that route anyway. gonna try & find some great pyranees breeders somewhere around this genearal area of the country 2day. i'd really like a price estimate & that IS my 1st choice of dog... well, next 2 a samoyd, but they r not so great with kids & a bitch 2 groom - i dont have an hour a day 2 brush a dog. i'll just get a picture of one & hang it up so i can admire it's beauty ;oP

ahhhhhhh....
finally....
A DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cannot express how incredibly happy it makes me 2 know i can finally have one 4ever & always.

2005-05-06T08:32:00.000-05:00

"UH-OH"

violette has become enchnted with tele-tubbies.

murphys law

2005-05-06T08:26:00.000-05:00

when u most need u're stregnth, energy, clearheaded-ness, & health is when a bad cold will creep up on u.

i'm having horrid sinus problems, my throat hurts, my ears r plugged & i felt like i was high even b4 i smoked anything.
don't mind much, though, as long as violette doesn't catch it. that's my main concern. obsticle #2 would be packing up the whole damn house & clening it better than i ever have.

the second thing should take about 2 weeks. the first: a lifetime.
;oP

i am soooooooooo fucking excited though. i've got hgtv on everytime the baby looks away - i'm idea hunting ;oD

now i'm off 2 find my roll of snot paper so i can try 2 unclog my nose (i predict it will be unsuccessful) 4 the 700th time since last night.

;oD

2005-05-05T12:08:00.000-05:00

there is so little left 2 do b4 we sign the final papers. the inspection yesterday shocked everyone, i think. the sellers wentdown $10,000, putting the house @ $149,000 + closing costs. the only things wrong with the house r:

-not enough smokedetectors/fire extinguishers
-2 broken outlets (can be fixed in a minute with a $0.50 fixture,a screwdriver& any idiot)
-moisture in the fruit cellar (i'm not sure this could be avoided)
-we need 2 vaccuum out the dryer
-insulation in attic must be thickened (rolls of insulation r up in the attic, they just need 2 be put in)
-ceiling fan in kitchen needs 2 bereplaced
-locks need 2 be changed
-wood burning stove needs 2 be professionally cleaned (estimated $100)

we've taken pictures 2

(much more about the wierd shit we found in the pictures 2 come)

is this an episode of House Hunters?

2005-04-20T07:25:00.000-05:00

u'll have 2 excuse this post. thespace bar is (obviously) not working up 2 it's full potential. buti'm trying 2 alleviate theproblem by pounding it.

perhaps it's stupid 2 fall in Love already,but i thinki have. it's a fairly uglyplace:

our new home?

definitely needs some cosmetic help,however 4 theprice -hopefully negotiable just a little - the square footage cannot be beat. i think i fellin Love when we opened a door 2 the unknown & found this perfect little (well,it'sactually fairly large) workshop, complete with an air-vent fan, large worktable equpped with electric surrounded by a sander, one of themautomatic wood saw thingies,clamps, etc. sowonderful 4 an art studio/furniture restoration room. not 2 mention the basement hasmore than enough room 4ALL of alan's fish. on the lowerlevel is a dry bar with fridge, woodburning stove, equpipped withsound throughout the celing & above the bar &largeliving space off2 the left,about the size of our current living room which is morethan adequate. move on up about 5 stairs 2 the eat-in kitchen with built in china cabinet, dishwasher, just enough cabinetspace. on in2 the living room which is a fairly decentsize, perfect 4 formal entertaining. i doubt we'd be using that space much considering the twoother living areas inside the house. beyond that roomis a large master bedroom... nobath but i can live without a toilet attatched 2my bedroom, i've done soall my life. backthrough the kitchen, down the 5or sostairs,pass a generous bathwith shower,lots of cabinet space & countertop. up about 10-12 stairs 2 the upper level. 3 large bedrooms (ignore the wood paneling, PLEASE, it can be replaced or painted over or SOMETHING!!@!), full bath (ok,u have2 be under two feet 2 take a shower in it,but it'll make it easier 2 wash my hair that doesnt seem 2 get any shorternomatter howmany times i chop 4-6 inches off of it) HELLOVA lotta cabinet & counter space there. outside the bedrooms & bathroom is a GIGANTIC living area with skylight window perfect 4aplay area... it'll keeptoys, etc. out of the way. back down2 the bar area, outthe doorwall in2 a quaint fairly larged fenced yard with gardening area, shed, massive tree 4 shade, two outdoor fireplaces, picnic table, large patio & grill area. end of tour.
i didn't include the covered porch or 2.5car garage with even more woodworking equipment, both a plus.
basically allit's missing is centralairbut it was only 65 in the house on kitchen level (prolly 5-6 feet from the ground) & it was about 82-83 degrees outside, so i guess i'm not 2 worriedabout it. there were a few window air units that i'm sure i could live with 4 a few years. it'll be hell installing central air in2 the house as ithas a boiler (radient water heat) rather than forced air heat which means they wi.ll have 2 install vents throughout the house which will get costly buti'm willing 2 sacrifice 4the almost 3,000 square feet (notincluding basement) & promise of a studio finally fullfilled.

i really do not think we could find anythingmore perfect, though next week when alan gets his vacation we will look summore. i just pray 2 God it doesn't sell b4 then & that we can get all this mortgagestuffsortedout this week. my dad iscoming by later 2 help with that.

wish us luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(again, sorry about the spaces)

WOW

2005-04-18T12:32:00.000-05:00

i have 2 document this. i am alone in this house 4 the first time in 7 1/2 months... hell it's been that long since i've been alone ANYWHERE in that long.
my dad's taken Violette 4 a walk.
still waiting 4 alan 2 hook up shadowedchild.com.
;o/
other than that things r brilliantly wonderful. feeling more upbeat lately. we r currently searching 4 a house. there r several very good prospects... plan on getting a realtor within the next 24 hours & hopefully we can start viewing the homes shortly thereafter!!!
am so fucking excited about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Snake Pit

2005-04-01T10:55:00.000-05:00

recently a new thrift store opened in our area & i, being the bookworm i am HAD 2 get the almost immediately. un4tunately, i didn't have much money 2 spend (not 2 worry, am making another trip in a few days), however, even b4 i got 2 the book section i saw it staring me down. a hardcover copy of The Snake Pit by: Mary Jane Ward from 1949. in pretty damn good condition might i add, 4 being so old. it even had the original slipcover.

go get u'reself a copy from amazon. ;o)

once again... the fucking dam breaks:

2005-03-12T08:36:00.000-05:00

i'm sick of wanting. i cannot stand my needs. this body makes me sick. i wish 2 be rid of it so i no longer want or need 4 anything. somehow 2 day, needing seems the worst. even somewhat lethal. the old feeling comes back again. we're old friends... the agonizing, terrifying, & strangely comforting notion that i was born 2 kill myself. really, though... i honestly believe everyone has a pre-destined way 2 die & some of us r 2 die by our own hands. i cannot think differently when logic tells me these thoughts r instincual. they must be as they r as natural & organic & me as breathing.

i'm pre-programed.

there's a line from one of Tori's new songs:
"this little pill in my hand that keeps the pain from laughing"

i guess maybe at least when i'm on my meds the pain cannot bombard me, attack me 4 it's own amusement. it's something 2 ponder upon.

i keep dreaming i'm in the loony bin. i know i've said this b4 (in the old archives of Allegra's Strange World) but it's like my subconcious places me there in my slumber because i'm actually sick enough 2 be put away. i know i need help but it's futile. it's proven futile again & again (& i'm disregarding all the times i've just given up on the stupid treatment). shrinks can only look at a patient & associate those flames bursting from our brains out through our blank stares with words they have read in books.

the lesson 4 the day:
madness is not something that can be taught.

reccomended reading...

2005-03-09T10:32:00.000-05:00

i don't get alot of time 2 read anymore, however in the past few months i've read two books worth boasting about:

Water, Carry Me - by: Thomas Moran
&
Shadow Baby - by: Alison McGhee

& b4 Violette was born there was another that blew me away. The second book by Donna Tartt, The Little Friend, which was preceeded by another one of the best books i've read: The Secret History (which i see is only $0.50 cents on amazon, so no one has an excuse not 2 read it!!!).

i just ordered a copy of The Mummy - (or Ramses the Damned) 4 a penny with the free mastercard i got from marlboro. see, it pays 2 smoke.

;oP

actual quote...

2005-03-09T10:31:00.000-05:00

by Telly on sesame street this morning:
"i'm done with boinging 4ever"

that's all i have 2 say about that.

i've been thinking...

2005-03-07T17:34:00.000-05:00

about:

·going blonde again

·'why kant allie rite?'

·am i ever gonna get 2 listen 2 all of the beekeeper?

·why everything reminds me of sylvia
(but can i say that when i never knew her?)

·how it's hard 2 know someone u were

·coffee stains on everything - is it just me that can't drink it without spilling it?

·maybe when u consume SOOO much caffeine it's a given u're hands r gonna shake & u're gonna spill something

·how wonderful it'll be when my daughter can talk 2 me with real words

·harry potter & where the hell imma find $30 4 the new book

·jesus, i havent been 2 the movies since the day the last HP movie came out

·watching 'Sylvia'

·finding & buying a copy of 'the bell jar' on VHS no matter how much it may cost (apparently $30 or more)

·buying a copy of 'special agent Dale Cooper, FBI' no matter how much it may cost

...................well violette is up.

why am i so fucking tired?

2005-02-26T10:56:00.000-05:00

always, i feel like i could fall asleep at the drop of a hat. i want some weed but i'm flat broke. it was wierd the other day though... i wasn't even craving it. i don't think that's ever happened 2 me b4. i go crazy just sitting here sober. that's nuts. & it's driving me even more bonkers trying 2 figure out why. why is a sober state of mind so damn unbearable? everything is wonderful, there's not one thing (besides myself) in my life i am unhappy about. i will not resort 2 drinking though. had 3 beers a couple of days ago, but what is that? u can barely even catch a buzz off of that. though i did, a little, cuz i've slowed down so much. perhaps if i could be more creative i wouldn't feel that a sober state of mind was almost unendurable. this is nuts. just nuts. my head hurts & my wrist is throbbing on the opposite end of my thumb now. maybe i shoulldnt let the chiropractor fuck with them. but something needs 2 be done. i pushed a door open last week & thought i'd broke my arm the pain was so intense. & nothing helps. well, i'm sure some perscription pain killers would help but i have none & don't really wish 2 be fighting sleep induced by drugs when i'm already fighting it without any. i'm so sick of looking at fish. i know, i'm complaining & i hate it when i complain, it's so unattractive... but where else can i do it & not feel like i'm bothering anyone? violette has finally closed her eyes. i suppose i should nap 2, until my dad gets here anyway.

i dunno what 2 call this:

2005-02-10T17:24:00.000-05:00

what i'm in. i can't say it's depression, but clinically that's what they'd say it was. but depression 2 me is a constant state of those few moments right b4 u swallow the pills, or maybe as they r going down. the final moment when u realize u just cannot take any more of this life.

i'm discouraged about everything & the only two goods things i can see around me r my daughters smile & the bag of weed the dope man is bringing me.

alan says over & over how he Loves me & adores me, & maybe he's telling the truth. i believe him 2 some extent. yes. he does Love me. but does he Love me as much as he Loves his fish forum?

God, that's pathetic, aint it?

& honestly, an opinion from someone here... if u're signifacant other (even if they were joking) suggested they perform oral sex on another would u think it was right?

well...

2005-01-27T09:31:00.000-05:00

ShadowedChild.com is mine. ALLLLLLLLLLL MIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNEEEEE ;oD

now all i have 2 do is get it set up. i know alan doesn't have the time 2 help me do that but at least he could give me the damn info so rich can help me.

if u need something hosted, go here --> http://www.liquidboy.com

mind on overdrive

2005-01-23T09:10:00.000-05:00

i don't know where 2 start & so i start nowhere, besides, i'd never be able 2 get in2 anything. it sucks but i'm not complaining. i Love it all 2much.

P.S.

2005-01-23T01:45:00.000-05:00

hopefully this blog will be moving soon 2 it's long desired, 4ever-awaited new home:
ShadowedChild.com

``````````````````````````````````

2005-01-23T01:38:00.000-05:00

umnn, those r teardrops. they seem 2 wanna drown me. but i'm fighting them. i don't understand. i feel things that are not real. i seem 2 be a magnet 4 pain. like i channel all heartache through me or something. that's how it feels. why? everything is so perfect. why the fuck am i so afraid? nothing makes sense. & this insane self-loathing seems 2 be getting more prominent everyday.

on the bright side i feel more alive.

..........& how could one honestly say there is nothing wrong with me?!

depressed?

2005-01-15T13:58:00.000-05:00

i think i'm going through a transitional phase. which would mean i'm headed toward mania. as sick as it is it would be somewhat of a welcome respite if i could take care of Violette, clean this place, have time 4 myself & Alan & still have energy left 2 burn.

i am sick of this stasis.
i want the words 2 pour forth once more.
i am sick of the disney channel.
the wiggles frighten me.

am i destined 2 be one of those whose dreams just flicker out?

WTF?!?!?

2004-11-19T08:37:00.000-05:00

is the world psychically linked 2 my brain or something? how the hell can 2 movies this season contain caracters named violet? they r just copycaters i tell u!!! seriously? is that fucked up or what?

ok, i am officially out of meds & feeing very extreme. the extremity varies from moment 2 moment between depression & elation. isn't that wonderful.

completely went off on Alan the other day cuz he called some girl beautiful. not very like me. head was screaming over logic, i guess. so, cried 4 like 14 hours & now it's 4gotten.

tired. if i lay down i'll wanna get up again. misplaced energy that's playing hide-n-go-seek.

still alive.

2004-11-12T23:19:00.000-05:00

had a little problem there with the cable 4 a few weeks - they shut it off ;oP
obviously, it's back on again.
yay.

everythings been pretty uneventful. i stopped taking the prozac (on my own). i have no medical insurance. i have 2 of them desyrl's (or whatever they r called) left ;o/. so, been crying & fighting off the madness - sometimes unsuccessfully - quite a bit more often then b4. didn't realize it til last weekend when things around me were not good & my head was being awfully creul. been fighting harder since. obviously need something more. or a lobotomy.

ha. ha.

birthday was the 10th. am 27. woo. hoo.
got a really sweet card from alan. ;oD

violette is good. she's almost 11 pounds now & the doctor even says she's gonna do everything early & that she's really strong & healthy. (Thank u Heavenly Father)

alan's awake. guess i'll tell more later. hard 2 even write with an asleep person in the room. pretty damn possible 2 write with an awake one, no matter how much u adore him ;oP

i know, i'm sick.
i want some nookie damnit.

;oD

2004-10-26T08:28:00.000-05:00

li had no idea that u could change the colors like this.

Sad, but true:

2004-10-26T08:27:00.000-05:00

there is not enough diet coke in the world 4 me.

ROTFLMAO

2004-10-26T08:16:00.000-05:00

as i was searching amazon.com 4 the book 'everybody poops' (which btw, turns out 2 be 'everyONE poops') i came across this rediculous review so i clicked on the amazon member's name who wrote the review & 4 the past 45 minutes i've been reading some of the most hysterical shit ever!!! u must check out this guys 'work'.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A3KRZDWHU4AYQA/ref=cm_cr_auth/102-1440557-3892127

starfish & coffee

2004-10-20T06:35:00.000-05:00

apologies (2 myself) 4 not blogging in awhile.

shrink took me off the seroquel & put me on something called deseryl. it's another anti-depressant. also upped my prozac 2 40mg. when i went 4 my evaluation interview b4 starting at this new place the therapist who interviewed me told me that the dr. used 2 work at fairlawn (state hospital i was in when i was a kid), when i asked him about it he told me he was the director of the whole damn place. hopefully my vibes about him r right & he really does know what he's doing. with all the schooling they have 2 go through u'd think it would be easier 2 find a srink that knows what they r doing. anyway, after the appt. i told my dad & he suggested i ask the dr. about my records. i've been trying 2 locate them 4 about 3 years now but since the hospital has been demolished no one has been able 2 tell me where the hell they've ended up.

moving on... so from the 1st morning after i took the new medication i've actually felt BETTER. like significantly. it's been like 4ever since i've noticed a change like this. am happy.

nothing else is new. cough is getting worse. baby is doing good. alan still loathes his job. i'm still tired.

mid-morning snack:

2004-10-15T09:51:00.000-05:00

13 chocolate covered espresso beans
1 thermogenic diet pill; containing God-only knows what

breakfast:

2004-10-15T08:15:00.000-05:00

1 pot french roast; black, no sugar
1 bowl pot; average grade
1 prozac; 20mg, generic
18 chocolate covered espresso beans

make that 17 chocolate covered espresso beans. one just flew out of my fingers 2 an as yet unknown location.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2004-10-13T09:09:00.000-05:00

violette is driving me nuts with the nookie. kill the nookie. burn the nookie. kill the bastard who invented the nookie damnit! pop it in her mouth. spit it out again. whine. pop it back in her mouth. spit it out again. grrrrrrr. she's also having problems being anywhere but in someone's arms which is quite annoying as well. still, am overwhelmed with Love when i look at her ;oP

so, like two weeks ago when i was drunk 4 the first time since i had the baby i called Sharon & guess we decided 2 set up a lunch or something 4 a bunch of people we went 2 school with. woke up thinking about that. trying 2 decide wether we should include Heather as it's been prolly damn near 9 months since we've spoken. perhaps i'll have Sharon call & ask her if she'd like 2 be included. other than that we've got, Cory, Amanda, me, & Sharon but i found emily online, well, her address & phone # anyway so i guess i'll give her a call or something when we figure out if this is really gonna happen or not. really must contact Sharon & ask her what other crazy shit i said. i had 4gotten how the medication makes u kinda blackout when u drink... & i only had 4 beers. funny, i only had 4 last night 2 but i remember that perfectly. Alan musta bought 16ouncers that day.

yesterday was dad's b-day, me, violette, Alan & him all went out 2 eat at the firehouse. violette was very fidgity but it was loud int here thankfully so u couldn't hear her whining. it was so sweet watching alan hold her in the booth. i Love him so much. my poor Love had 2 walk 2 the bus stop without a coat this morning. we really need 2 get his car running. damn the bastards who tried 2 steal it. i didn't post about that did i? well, i will soon. stupidfuckingfishpeople.

oohh! its after 10, gonna call joe & get my smoke on.

blah

2004-10-11T03:50:00.000-05:00

yes, i am aware i'm slacking at this blog thing & the few posts i do manage r pathetic. disconnected from myself again. i just want 2 have enthusiasm - genuine enthusiasm 4 something. ANYTHING.

on top of that alan informs me, 'u're around that time when people seem 2 flip out'. so, do i ignore the fact that i threw a filter of coffee across the kitchen yesterday morning or snapped at alan pretty bad the night b4? shall i let pass the 3 hours spent crying over i'm-not-sure-what? it's frightening.

have horrible cough. suspect it's from smoking. i cannot get sick.

a few things 2 say:

2004-10-08T13:42:00.000-05:00

imagine, if u will: a ball of laundry just washed sitting in the bottom of u're washing machine. now place fifteen velcro closing bibs inside this ball of laundry.

"Look mommy, everything's connected!"

am purging this house of all beer & pop cans 2day.

therapy yesterday...

2004-09-30T13:12:00.000-05:00

ended up talking alot about how Alan doesn't support my getting treatment. therapist gave me a few pages descibing diagnosis criteria & the way manic depression effects u physically, or basically why it occurs at all: in a physical sense. i'm supposed 2 see if he'll read it. i tried getting him 2 read a pamphlet about it i found online when we 1st met & he never did. am kinda sad that i dunno if he'll even read it or not. therapist is right, would be nice 2 have some support. strange, he asked me twice if my head is ok this morning. then, "u wouldn't lie 2 me would u?". perhaps he had a bad dream or something. why would he ask me that if he thought it was all bullshit? or maybe i should look at it logically, no matter how dissapointing it may be... he prolly just thinks the medication is gonna make me flip out. i guess technically it could make me flip out, taking the anti-depressant without a mood stabilizer, but i don't feel any mania coming on (regretfully) so i'm sure he's got nothing 2 worry about.

was rather irritable with him this morning, though. but that's only cuz i'm sick of him criticizing the way i take care of violette. the sarcastic 'she's always in that swing.' first thing in the morning was not exactly what i needed. perhaps it all comes down 2 the fact that i'm dissapointed in the fact that he doesn't try & spend more time with her. more so 4 her sake than mine, but it would be nice 2 know that a break was coming up eventually. when i feel all alone in her care all my senses r on hyper-sensitive. even in sleep, so it's kinda really exhausting. once in awhile i begin 2 wonder if he is reconsidering the responsibility of having a child 2 care 4, but really, he adores her so i pray that's just a silly thought.

some good news: Jupiter seems 2 have realized he gets put in the garage 4 scratching on doors & screaming when someone's sleeping & has only been in the garage 4 about 5 hours in the past 3 days. i'm so proud of him ;oD

should really be cleaning. THOUGHT 2 PONDER: most things i can only do when she's she's sleeping so how the hell am i 2 get anything done if i'm sleeping when she sleeps?

only on HGTV

2004-09-27T12:49:00.000-05:00

u just have 2 be careful not 2 paint 2 carefully

2004-09-26T09:28:00.000-05:00

grr... Alan's downloading again & the puter is running really slow. of course i could just walk across the room & use mine, but the internet will still be bogged down & that would require moving so i guess i'll just have 2 deal with it.

i think in the past few days i may have slept more than the baby. getting my body used 2 the medication & taking care of a baby simultaniously is not the easiest thing i've ever done. i'm starting 2 have prozac dreams again. i'd pretty much 4gotten about them, but am thrilled 2 have them return 2 me. wild, colorful, ultra vivid, david-lynch-like shit. i Love it!!!

am wondering wether or not i should tell my therapist i smoke weed. i'm not 2 sure it's really even worth it, as it's pretty much a non-issue. besides, all sorts of complications could arise & then i'd have 2 listen 2 the 'u use it as a crutch' bullshit all the time... it's prollly best not 2 even bring it up. i like the new therapist well enough though. she's very technical, & maybe that's what i need in a therapist: the abcense of personal feeling. mechanical indifference. or, shall i say, someone who doesn't seem 2 give a flying fuck. but they gotta be kinda nice while not caring. & intelligent so i don't get bored, & quick 4 when i fall in2 silences. the more i look at it, finding a therapist i'm compatible with seems 2 be more unattainable than i thought it would be 2 find someone i'd be with 4ever. the bright side is, it wasn't really all that hard 2 find my Love.

have about 6 emails i need 2 write. was so withdrawn 4 so long that i feel guilty & regretful about it. called Tasha earlier in the week & she stopped by with Teresa - the girl whom i was attemting 2 hug goodbye when i dove headfirst in2 the floor & gave myself a black eye.

am astounded at how i used 2 be. not 2 be confused with 'who' i used 2 be, cuz by all means, i'm still the same person, i'm just not out-of-control anymore. that feels good, but sometimes think it may be preferable 2 trying 2 be superwoman. i think alan has finally stopped with the indirect comments about mental illness being brainwashing & the medications perscribed 4 it will only fuck u up more. that's nice. was worried he was gonna do it when i was in a pissy mood & i'd have blown up at him. there's a reason i don't mention the fact that i take the medication & avoid the subject of therapy 2 or around him, it's not really fair 4 him 2 voice his opinions so loudly when i'm in earshot (& i'm assuming he only does it BECAUSE i'm in earshot). now it's just the pothead cracks, but go ahead - whatever; i've told the world seven times over 'i wouldn't even stop smoking weed 4 God' so it's just plain wasting u're own precious time.

must go have cigarette. am not expecting anyone 2 stop bugging me about cigarettes cuz even i'll admit, it's a stupid habit, but hell, i enjoy it.

...

2004-09-24T14:56:00.000-05:00

am rather drained. so tired constantly. it's the seroquel. i'll get used 2 it in a few weeks. ugghh.

...all the world is dangling 4 me

2004-09-21T08:42:00.000-05:00

*yAyY*
i called Tasha last night, she came over & hung out with us 'til like 1:30 in the morning. i missed Tasha. despite the fact that i may retreat in2 myself 4 months at a time & not talk 2 anyone i really do have some of the best friends in the world. Katy, Tash, & Sharon. i feel incredibly blessed this morning. like disgustingly so. i think Violette is finally faling asleep 4 the day, so i suppose i'll get ready 4 bed 2.

hmmnnn

2004-09-20T12:35:00.000-05:00

i'm not sure things could go more smoothly. i am frightened cuz everything is right. well, with the exception of the fact that i am out of commision & cannot play...

the evil in us all

2004-09-20T10:23:00.000-05:00

;oD
i've stopped leaking!!!

anyway... there r numerous reasons why i don't go 2 church. this is just #742 (located on a sign outside a local church):

"the devil wins in 3 ways: excuses, indifference, & procrastination."

now, i understand that sloth is one of the 7 deadly sins, however i can't seem 2 believe that the devil has prevailed every time u tell someone u have a headache just because u wanna be alone, or just really don't care what u're having 4 dinner 2night & there 4 r indifferent 2 the situation, or leave u're dirty dishes in the sink overnight when u have more than enough time 2 do them 2night.

perhaps it's just me but i think that statement is plain stupid.

i don't like sundays

2004-09-19T16:11:00.000-05:00

xcept 4 the fact that Alan is usually home with me all day. with the baby now i appreciate him home even more, as if i didn't enough b4. amazingly i've gotten over 8 hours of sleep in the past 24 hours, but i think that may have been unavoidable due 2 the seroquel. the shrink told me 2 try a whole pill the 1st night & if it was 2 strong 2 just cut them in half & gradually up the dose myself. i dunno what the hell actually posessed me 2 listen 2 him & pop a whole 100mg the first night but i did & it knocked me the fuck out. it was a pretty dumb thing 2 do considering when i started on it b4, 4 the 1st time they had me take 25mg & raise the dosage from there & that 1st itty bitty 25mg pill put me in a coma-like sleep 4 over 24 hours where i couldn't be roused from sleep by anything. thankfully it didn't hit me that hard this time, i guess my body still remembers the shit or something, i dunno. anyway, i'm going with the same method we used last time, 25mg 2 start with, 4 like 3 days, then a half 4 a few more days, & then i'll start taking whole ones. i can't be a zombie if i have a child 2 care 4 & that's what happened last time... i almost got hit by a car in a parking lot cuz i didn't know what the hell i was doing. these be some good drugs ;oP

one of my best friends, Katy has landed herself in elgin state mental hospital due 2 what i'm assuming 2 be a very intense psychotic manic state. poor thing, she was just diagnosed bipolar less than a month ago, this is only her 2nd hospitilization & she's in there with the worst of the worst cases. i know manic people can seem extremely whacked out but schizophrenics experiencing the very epitomie of thier illness r just downright frightening. if she woulda just stuck 2 taking the medication they gave her she woulda been fine, but i can't really blame her. even knowing what i know, having gone through this shit over & over & over again since b4 i can even remember i'm not quite sure i wouldn't stop taking my meds 4 a manic episode that intense. she's gotta be on top of the world. she sure seemed like it last time i talked 2 her, though she wasn't making much sense 2 me i'm sure everything was crystal clear in her mind. not 2 mention bursting with inspiration. sick as it is, i'm a little jealous. it's really tempting 2 try & induce a manic episode in myself by upping my prozac dosage... but once more, i have the baby & there4 must resist. besides, this shrink seems 2 actually know what he's doing so he may be the 1st one i'm not able 2 fool.

out of weed again... wish i had more $$$ so i coulda gotten more than just a joint, but that one joint assisted me in cleaning the entire house yesterday, so i can't complain. i wish the shit grew on trees. oh wait. it does. 2 bad we rent this god4saken house or i'd grow one myself. :oP

have about 50 phone calls i need 2 make & i cannot 4see myself picking up the phone anytime soon. i must get motivated 2 do that, but i so really do not wanna have a long drawn out conversation with anyone about anything.

all i long 4 is some unavoidable inspiration.

Allegra's Strange World ~ ShadowedChild blog ver.2 post #1

2004-09-18T06:40:00.000-05:00

the shrink put me on seroquel & no mood stabilizer. not afraid 2 get manic anymore. i'd be able 2 do everything & anything then which seems 2 be what i need 2 do these days. everything & anything.

have decided the best song ever is: Touch by Sarah McLachlan. Not only is it the most beautiful thing i've ever heard but it will soothe any baby 2 sleep. at least it's been foolproof 4 me. the magic of the song just demonstrated its self again.

Violette is 8 lbs now & completely healthy according 2 the pediatricians findings she said i was doing a good job. i'm like beaming :oP

have strange uncontrollable desire 2 be social.
hmmmnn.